I would like to share with you how I was feeling during this time. Personally, I think it's important for people to own their feelings, by first being honest with themselves without guilt, and second, expressing their emotions without fear of being judged.
Naturally, I was worried about Marc. It broke my heart to witness what he was going through, all while not being able to tell anyone. It must have been so isolating and unbearably frustrating.
When I was able to turn my attention inwards, I noticed how my own thoughts bounced around in my head. Was Marc going to be the same person I fell in love with? Was I going to be able to give him the love and support he needed? How was I going to balance my own Bi-Polar with all the added stress? I too felt very alone and had no one to really talk to about my feelings.
I was also exhausted. Between the hospital visits, looking after the house and balancing the expectations of Marc's family, I was feeling overwhelmed and slipped into a manic phase of my Bi-Polar, which meant little to no sleep.
My visits with Marc in the ICU were very different than anyone else's. All Marc wanted was for me to shut the curtains and lay beside him, holding him tight. More often than not, we'd both fall asleep together, and it was in these moments, I knew that I was truly supporting Marc and myself.
Marc's family had started an email chain among those who visited him often. It was intended as a space for us to share our experience with Marc, and to report on how he was doing. This way everyone was kept in the loop. If I'm being completely honest, I never knew what to say. I didn't want to share, and I didn't need to be updated because I was with Marc every day. This didn't make me very popular with his family, especially when requests were made of me to share information, after all, I was the most informed out of anyone. While I understand the good intention behind this mode of communication, at the end of the day, I found reading and responding to the emails overwhelming. I refrained and continued to do what I knew was best for me and Marc at the time.
The one person who gave me strength was Marc. Each day, I was a bystander to his new and terrifying life. To watch Marc, who loved to connect and share, suddenly have to rely on answering "Yes" or "No" questions, was so tough.
I came to realize that we could only take one day at a time. I also came to realize, that I loved Marc and that I was more than willing to continue to lye by his side, through good days and bad.
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